I am nobody but myself

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned,  someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.

~Ralph Ellison, “Battle Royal”

25 random things

1. I only got my drivers license when I was 24, but could and did drive since I was 12. Then oom Bokkie (traffic cop in LTT one day pulled me over and said, lets just do the test today and get it over and done with). I still go into a state of total distress when I see a traffic cop, even if I have’nt done anything wrong. When they make me stop I get heart palpitations and feel like I am going to pass out. I then try to talk myself out of something I didn’t do, and I look guilty as hell, after which I try to light 2 cigarettes at a time, both from the wrong end. (wonder why). I should be driving with glasses. (which I don’t have), I share “brille” with my husband.
2. I am a lone wolf! But i love my friends, and keep them for life. I am still friends with my grade 2 friend.
3. I am a follower, rather than a leader.
4. I always remember peoples birthdays, but forget mostly to phone them, and then I will feel guilty about that until i phone them, and that sometimes take days. I even remember the day Trudi got her drivers license. 11 November 1985
5. I am very bad at decision making. I buy stuff and take it back the next day.
6. I will make a very bad wedding crasher. I hate being in uncomfortable situations.
7. My sister is 9 years younger than me, but definitely the wiser.
8. Wine makes me terribly drunk! But I like a “doppie”.
9. I hate grocery shopping, i am not a big shopper. I hate shopping centres.
10. I am not to keen on swimming, but I love all forms of water, ocean, swimming pool, waterfalls etc. I love the feeling of water running over my feet. I wash my hands too many times a day, especially when I am cooking. I hate food on my fingers. I can stand in the shower until the hot waters finished.
11. I hate wearing “toe skoene” winter is a nightmare for me.
12. I interrogate waiters at restaurants about the menu, and mostly make up my own dishes. (to my husband’s irritation)
13. I for the first time this year drove further than 100 km on my own in the car (to visit a friend in Robertson)
14. I love taking photos. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are terrible.
15. I am not keen on camping, but love the bush. I don’t like to make a “veltie”!
16. I don’t want to live without my husband.
17. I hate dog /cat hairs. But love animals
18. I can not follow any recipe or instruction manual, but always say “if all else fails refer to the manual”
19. I am a problem solver, once I have stopped procrastinating.
20. I work best on deadlines.
21. One day I will take the 15000 photos I have taken over the years and categorise them.
22. I love children and their wisdom; I love to see the kids grow up, but sort of loose interest when they are not cute anymore. I struggle to make play with kids, I’d much rather talk to them.
23. I don’t know if I will ever stop smoking, even though I have guilty feelings about the health issues every time a light a cigarette (sometimes up to 20 a day). When i am on the computer, i almost chain smoke) – and that is most days.
24. I speak way to shreaky and loud when I have had a “doppie” or get excited, or for that matter cross, upset, or trying to get my point over.
25. I never thought I would be able to make this list. But now realise once I start something I can finish it without having to really think about it.